Monday, January 31, 2011

Winter Vacation Blues? Give REAL Adventure Travel a Try!

This time of year people like to take vacations to try to beat the winter blues, but would-be vacationers this year are having a much harder time to find a way to get away from seasonal depression and the everyday monotony of their miserable, soul crushing everyday lives.

With the economy still being in the toilet and such popular vacation spots such as Mexico, Florida, Iraq, and Alabama being smelly awful war torn shitholes, options have never been more limited. But move over, Jesus! There's a new savior in town: adventure travel.

What was once a market cornered by aimless trust-fund kids on extravagant gap years, and Mountain Dew guzzling "extreme" hippies killing time between Burning Man and SXSW, adventure travel is now available to anyone who wants to spend all their time sleeping in or on dirt, walking for endless miles to eat dirt and insects, or peddle around everywhere like a jerk on a bicycle.

But if you really want to beat those winter blues, you don't want to do these lame ass boring adventure travel trips like a common "tourist.". That's why The Greatest World's Newspaper Nerds are here to give you some REAL Adventure Travel ideas.

  • A Driving Tour Of Compton In A Smart Car - The city of Compton, outside of Los Angeles, California, is well known for being a very violent city, with constant wars between rival street gangs Bloods and Crips.  And this is why it is at the top of our list.  Budding tour company Xtreme Death Wish will put you in a SMART Car, fully equipped with a SatNav and personalized license plates that say "NGA PLZ" and send you on a guided tour of one of the most famous and violent cities in America.  The initial investment may seem steep ($14,000 deposit), but if you survive it will only cost you $500.  But the memories you will have are priceless.  Included in the package is a complimentary two day "Dealing with PTSD" workshop, where you will be able to share your experiences with others.  XDW is a small tour operator, but they are hoping to attract investors so they can expand their operations to Baltimore, Maryland, Detroit, Michigan, Gary, Indiana, and Telluride, Colorado. 
  • Fight a swan in England - Did you know that in the United Kingdom, swans are considered property of the Queen and protected under law?  They sure are!  These mouthy, uppity birds that make geese and peacocks seem pleasant and mild mannered are protected by a law that used to be considered treason but now only gives you 3 months to 6 years if convicted.  So what better way to have a true adventure on your vacation than to take a lovely coach tour of the British Isles where you fight swans at every stop?  This tour will take you from London, England, where you can fight a swan right in HRM's own backyard, to the historic Roman Baths of Bath, where you can (and will) fight swans, to the mountains of Wales where the scenery is breath taking (and the swans are blood thirsty), up to Liverpool where you can take a break from fighting swans and steal some car stereos instead.  It might be a good idea to rest up while in Liverpool because then you will be off to Edinburgh, Scotland to face off against their famous fighting swans.  
  • Al Qaeda Training Camp - Why not spend some time at an Al Quaeda training camp?  You will be gathered from your hotel by your guides who will sneak up behind you, place a bag over your head, throw you in a van and secret you away to a remote location in the rugged remote mountain regions of Afghanistan (or maybe in Pakistan!  Who knows?) where you will learn important team-building skills as you work with other recruits to develop new, creative ways to commit mass murder, how to operate various weapons and explosives, horseback riding, snorkeling, basket weaving, and being indoctrinated into hating and having a single minded goal of destroying the Zionist empires of Israel and the United States, as well as their allies. 
  • Branson, Missouri - Branson, Missouri is like Las Vegas if Las Vegas ever ran out of hookers, cocaine, casinos, and the only two shows you had to choose between were Jay Leno and Carrot Top.  Yakov Smirnoff still performs there for crying out loud.  You want adventure?  Go to Branson and see if you can make it through a Yakov Smirnoff show in Branson, MO without trying to kill yourself and everyone around you and you will have stories to tell for a lifetime.  A full mental and physical examination is reccomended before going to Branson, as this is by far the most dangerous tour listed.
There might only be a few selections here, but that should be enough to get your adventure juices flowing!  Have more ideas?  Leave them in the comments section!  We here at Greatest World's Newspaper Nerds would love to hear them!

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