Friday, April 1, 2011

Scientists discover incredibly rare hornless unicorn

Scientists today from the International Science Agency for promoting Awareness of Science announced that they have discovered a very rare and once thought to be mythical hornless unicorn in northern Wales.

While they are keeping the exact location under wraps as they continue to observe this inedibly rare and likely endangered species, they did say it was "first discovered on a farm close to that train station with the long ass crazy name."

The discovery was completely accidental said Professor Gene Pomeroy.

"We originally came up here looking for a dragon so we could kill it and steal it's gold, thinking since dragons are big so they would be easier to find than the leprechauns from our failed expeditions to Ireland, and instead we found a hornless unicorn. It's a great day for science!"

When it was suggested that the hornless unicorn might be just a horse or possibly even a pony, the professor was quick to curtail critics.

"It is not a horse. It is not a pony. It is a very rare hornless unicorn. Anyone that says otherwise is just a cynic that hates anything whimsical and fun and can only become aroused sexually by crushing the hopes and dreams of others. And they are probably a member of Al Quaeda. Whatever! You people know nothing about science anyhow! This press conference is over!"

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Groundhog's Day Promises Winter Relief, Facebook Annoyances

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - Know it all weather groundhog Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow, giving hope to a lot of poor freezing snowed in jerks that they might soon get relief from the hellish blizzard currently slamming the US.

Within minutes of the announcement February 2nd, thousands of people were immediately on Facebook and Twitter posting the news along with any number of clips from the movie Groundhog Day, causing an overload that slowed down the site and kept people from stalking their exes for about an hour or two.

The sites again experienced an increased load hours later when thousands of users clogged traffic complaining about everyone talking about the groundhog earlier.

Anderson Cooper Causes All Hell To Break Loose In Egypt, Hundreds Dead

Protesters clashed in Cairo Wednesday in another wave of escalating violence as journalist Anderson Cooper showed up on the scene and was promptly punched in the head.

The presence of the handsome American seemed to enrage the crowd as pro-Mubarak supporters jumped onto the backs of camels and road into the crowd whipping protesters with Indiana Jones styled bullwhips before getting out the guns and Molotov cocktails.

This round of violence, known as The Anderson Cooper Riots have so far left an estimated 300 people dead and over 600 people injured.

The American government, who has been calling for President Mubarak to step down and begin the transition to a new government now in order to curb further violence has not as of this writing come forward to condemn Anderson Cooper for his participation in these riots.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Stranded American Travelers Feel "Much Safer" From Cairo Protests

A massive snowstorm causing weather advisories in 29 states have left thousands of American tourists stranded at airports across the country, but many of them feel much better about being stranded than they would if they were in the streets of downtown Cairo, Egypt.

"Oh yeah I am much safer here at the airport than I would be in Egypt right now. They are firing guns on the streets over there. If I wanted to deal with that I'd just head up the road there to Gary, Indiana. Talk about a God forsaken war zone. Actually I'd feel safer in Cairo than I would in Gary. Is that a tape recorder?" said Jim Kowalski of Chicago.

Not all Travelers shared Mr. Kowalski's optimism, however.

"Well, I'm on my way to Mesa, Arizona so I'm not sure it is much different," said Vera Gallagher. When the situation of what was happening in Egypt was explained to Ms. Gallagher she merely shrugged and said "Well, I'm staying in a really bad neighborhood. Lots of meth."

Monday, January 31, 2011

Turmoil in Egypt: One Protestor Rises Above

It was just another day of violating a government-imposed curfew for one Egyptian protestor.  Little did Khalid Aarif know that on that day, his life would change forever.

"I found an iPhone 4!  Right there in the street!  Allah be praised!"

Aarif, 25, was on his way to protest infront of a museum in Cairo.

"I was going to go in there and draw mustaches on some of the mummies, because I thought that would be funny.  Maybe move one's hand so it looked like it was on another mummy's butt, but the other day some people broke in and tore the heads off of them, so there were guards and everything there, so that wasn't going to happen.  So I went back out to join the crowd, and that is when it happened."

Laying there in the street, oblivious to everyone else, was an iPhone 4.

"At first, I thought no, that cannot be what I think it is but as I got closer I could tell it really was!"

Tragedy nearly struck as police opened fire on the crowd.

"This girl right next to me, she got shot in the chest and she was all dead and everything, and people were running around screaming and I am like oh man, I will never get to it now.  I bet that iPhone is going to get trampled!"

The iPhone did get knocked around by the crowd, but not smashed as Aarif feared.  It merely got kicked from the middle of the street over to the curb.

"I saw it had made its way to the other side so there was still a chance!  I figured the screen was probably broken, but it was still worth a shot.  As I finally made it there you could tell that it was in one of those Otter Box cases, and those things are strong, there was not a scratch on it!  Praise Allah!"

When asked what he was going to do with the phone, a smile came across Aarif's face.

"I am going to use it to tell the world of our struggle.  See?  I have already begun!"

He holds up the phone revealing he was in the process of sending out a new tweet that says "Mubarak is a dick!"

"They can't even block me!  I am behind seven proxies!"

Winter Vacation Blues? Give REAL Adventure Travel a Try!

This time of year people like to take vacations to try to beat the winter blues, but would-be vacationers this year are having a much harder time to find a way to get away from seasonal depression and the everyday monotony of their miserable, soul crushing everyday lives.

With the economy still being in the toilet and such popular vacation spots such as Mexico, Florida, Iraq, and Alabama being smelly awful war torn shitholes, options have never been more limited. But move over, Jesus! There's a new savior in town: adventure travel.

What was once a market cornered by aimless trust-fund kids on extravagant gap years, and Mountain Dew guzzling "extreme" hippies killing time between Burning Man and SXSW, adventure travel is now available to anyone who wants to spend all their time sleeping in or on dirt, walking for endless miles to eat dirt and insects, or peddle around everywhere like a jerk on a bicycle.

But if you really want to beat those winter blues, you don't want to do these lame ass boring adventure travel trips like a common "tourist.". That's why The Greatest World's Newspaper Nerds are here to give you some REAL Adventure Travel ideas.

  • A Driving Tour Of Compton In A Smart Car - The city of Compton, outside of Los Angeles, California, is well known for being a very violent city, with constant wars between rival street gangs Bloods and Crips.  And this is why it is at the top of our list.  Budding tour company Xtreme Death Wish will put you in a SMART Car, fully equipped with a SatNav and personalized license plates that say "NGA PLZ" and send you on a guided tour of one of the most famous and violent cities in America.  The initial investment may seem steep ($14,000 deposit), but if you survive it will only cost you $500.  But the memories you will have are priceless.  Included in the package is a complimentary two day "Dealing with PTSD" workshop, where you will be able to share your experiences with others.  XDW is a small tour operator, but they are hoping to attract investors so they can expand their operations to Baltimore, Maryland, Detroit, Michigan, Gary, Indiana, and Telluride, Colorado. 
  • Fight a swan in England - Did you know that in the United Kingdom, swans are considered property of the Queen and protected under law?  They sure are!  These mouthy, uppity birds that make geese and peacocks seem pleasant and mild mannered are protected by a law that used to be considered treason but now only gives you 3 months to 6 years if convicted.  So what better way to have a true adventure on your vacation than to take a lovely coach tour of the British Isles where you fight swans at every stop?  This tour will take you from London, England, where you can fight a swan right in HRM's own backyard, to the historic Roman Baths of Bath, where you can (and will) fight swans, to the mountains of Wales where the scenery is breath taking (and the swans are blood thirsty), up to Liverpool where you can take a break from fighting swans and steal some car stereos instead.  It might be a good idea to rest up while in Liverpool because then you will be off to Edinburgh, Scotland to face off against their famous fighting swans.  
  • Al Qaeda Training Camp - Why not spend some time at an Al Quaeda training camp?  You will be gathered from your hotel by your guides who will sneak up behind you, place a bag over your head, throw you in a van and secret you away to a remote location in the rugged remote mountain regions of Afghanistan (or maybe in Pakistan!  Who knows?) where you will learn important team-building skills as you work with other recruits to develop new, creative ways to commit mass murder, how to operate various weapons and explosives, horseback riding, snorkeling, basket weaving, and being indoctrinated into hating and having a single minded goal of destroying the Zionist empires of Israel and the United States, as well as their allies. 
  • Branson, Missouri - Branson, Missouri is like Las Vegas if Las Vegas ever ran out of hookers, cocaine, casinos, and the only two shows you had to choose between were Jay Leno and Carrot Top.  Yakov Smirnoff still performs there for crying out loud.  You want adventure?  Go to Branson and see if you can make it through a Yakov Smirnoff show in Branson, MO without trying to kill yourself and everyone around you and you will have stories to tell for a lifetime.  A full mental and physical examination is reccomended before going to Branson, as this is by far the most dangerous tour listed.
There might only be a few selections here, but that should be enough to get your adventure juices flowing!  Have more ideas?  Leave them in the comments section!  We here at Greatest World's Newspaper Nerds would love to hear them!

Volcano Erupts, Nobody Cares

JAPAN - A volcano erupted in southern Japan the other day, but nobody really cared.

"Well, my flight's not delayed so it don't bother me none," Theodore Mitchell, a sex tourist with a self described "hunger for some Yum Yums" on his way to Cambodia said.

"It's not causing delays or anything, so it's not really news. Now buy something or get out," James at the Burger King there in town said.

Terrified Brits Escape From Panda Cheese Crazed Cairo Violence Gangs

Anxious to escape from a terrifying wave of bloody freedom and democracy that the western world has hoped would take hold in the middle east, relieved Britons returned to their socialist paradise early Monday morning with tales of their struggles.

"I hate Iceland!" Some guy shouted at a television reporter at an airport in Scotland last year.

The Foreign Office has upgraded its travel advice from "Eh, whatever" to "Get the hell out! Are you stupid? There's a bloody revolution starting you fucking muppets!" However, they weren't concerned enough about it to start a full evacuation.

Foreign Office minister Alistair Burt did not but might as well have said "If people can get out, by all means they should get out. Nothing is a higher priority than getting out our rich nationals and wealthy foreign investors, because they are the ones that can afford the now grossly inflated ticket prices and frankly they do more to benefit our society than those blood sucking chavs vacationing down there thanks to intricate benefit fraud scams. We'll send some charter flights down for that trash once the Red Sea starts to turn red with their blood and not a moment before. Well, unless a pretty blond girl gets raped and murdered but not a moment before!"

The FCO did want to stress that the resorts outside of Cairo were perfectly safe. not so much the discount ones, but the ones for rich people, those are "probably fine."

PM David Cameron has called for an "orderly transition" of government from an oppressive regime to bloody revolution.

Seven days ago thousands of protesters hopped up on Panda Cheese and a lust for democracy called for President Hosni Mubarak to quit being such an arse and leave power because he's been there for 30 years and he's 82 so he'll probably die soon anyway.

A Brief History of Current Events

So this all started when this dude in Tunisia had his fruit cart taken away by the police for selling fruit in a no fruit selling zone, and he was all like “hey man, give me my fruit cart back.” And the police were all like “fuck you, buddy!” So he went all “oh yeah? Well fuck you, guy!” and he all set himself on fire and shit.

So at that point Tunisia was all like “oh shit” and some other dude was all like “hey yeah they took my hot dog cart too!” So he set himself on fire and then some guy in Egypt went all “PANDA CHEESE FUCK YEAH!” and set himself on fire. Then back in Tunisia they were all “Yeah Panda Cheese guy knows what we’re talking about!” And then everyone took to the streets and the government was all like “hey now jesus Christ!” and they high tailed it the fuck out of there and then everyone in Tunisia had a Pizza party at the local Pizza Hut and there was also ice cream and cake and a good time to be had by all.

But then Egypt was all there looking in the window of the Pizza Hut and they were all like “hey that shit looks pretty goddamn good. IS THAT MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM?” and then they went home and were all like “Mom can we have some Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream?” But their mom, President Hosini Mubarak was all like “Shut the fuck up you kids I am trying to watch American Idol, that does it go to bed! And no Panda Cheese for you either!” And the kids said a defiant “No way Mom! And by the way, we don’t like your friend Steve and when he sleeps over he comes into our rooms at night smelling of cheap bourbon and he touches us!” And President Mubarak was all “YOU KIDS SHUT UP HE DOES NOT I LOVE HIM I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING WITHOUT HIM GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” So the kids decided to get all Tunisia on everything and took to the streets and they threw a garbage can through the window of a Starbucks and then some tanks came in but Egyptians poured Panda Cheese in their gas tanks and some jets flew overhead but nobody cared because they were too busy breaking into museums and drawing mustaches on mummies and shouting “I’M A PERSON TOO MOM GODDAMNIT I’M A PERSON TOO! STFU AND GTFO!” But Mom, aka President Mubarak is like “You kids better not even think about putting that cup down on the coffee table without a coaster!” And the kids are all like “You’re not the boss of me!” and they have totally been putting coffee cups and wet glasses down all over the place without the use of coasters and that shit leaves rings.