Thursday, February 3, 2011

Groundhog's Day Promises Winter Relief, Facebook Annoyances

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA - Know it all weather groundhog Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow, giving hope to a lot of poor freezing snowed in jerks that they might soon get relief from the hellish blizzard currently slamming the US.

Within minutes of the announcement February 2nd, thousands of people were immediately on Facebook and Twitter posting the news along with any number of clips from the movie Groundhog Day, causing an overload that slowed down the site and kept people from stalking their exes for about an hour or two.

The sites again experienced an increased load hours later when thousands of users clogged traffic complaining about everyone talking about the groundhog earlier.

Anderson Cooper Causes All Hell To Break Loose In Egypt, Hundreds Dead

Protesters clashed in Cairo Wednesday in another wave of escalating violence as journalist Anderson Cooper showed up on the scene and was promptly punched in the head.

The presence of the handsome American seemed to enrage the crowd as pro-Mubarak supporters jumped onto the backs of camels and road into the crowd whipping protesters with Indiana Jones styled bullwhips before getting out the guns and Molotov cocktails.

This round of violence, known as The Anderson Cooper Riots have so far left an estimated 300 people dead and over 600 people injured.

The American government, who has been calling for President Mubarak to step down and begin the transition to a new government now in order to curb further violence has not as of this writing come forward to condemn Anderson Cooper for his participation in these riots.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Stranded American Travelers Feel "Much Safer" From Cairo Protests

A massive snowstorm causing weather advisories in 29 states have left thousands of American tourists stranded at airports across the country, but many of them feel much better about being stranded than they would if they were in the streets of downtown Cairo, Egypt.

"Oh yeah I am much safer here at the airport than I would be in Egypt right now. They are firing guns on the streets over there. If I wanted to deal with that I'd just head up the road there to Gary, Indiana. Talk about a God forsaken war zone. Actually I'd feel safer in Cairo than I would in Gary. Is that a tape recorder?" said Jim Kowalski of Chicago.

Not all Travelers shared Mr. Kowalski's optimism, however.

"Well, I'm on my way to Mesa, Arizona so I'm not sure it is much different," said Vera Gallagher. When the situation of what was happening in Egypt was explained to Ms. Gallagher she merely shrugged and said "Well, I'm staying in a really bad neighborhood. Lots of meth."